twenty seven | Mayfield's ugliest individuals: a literary documentation

[strike_you_out]

[Phone; a simple question asked in a quiet voice]

Who's the most dangerous person you know in Mayfield? Tell me about them. Zemekis has been noted.


Action; 726 Anderson Lane
[For several months now, Slugger has been compiling profiles of Mayfield's most dangerous people. It's a project he's tentatively titled "Mayfield's Worst Morons" (subject to change) and one he hopes will be useful for himself and those he considers allies. Included are descriptions of the town's top offenders, such as the Black Mage and the Major with crude but accurate sketches and "danger ratings", small bars scaled 1-10 based on their powers and likelihood to attack. Zemekis, of course, is the reigning champion king of worst morons with many pages dedicated to him/it. Other examples include:


The Black Mage
(under the name are two drawings of a fat man in long robes; one has a paper bag over his head, the other wears a large wizard hat)
alias: "Dr. Evilwizardington"
residence: 753 Partridge Drive
occupation: fake doctor at hospital
danger rating: 9
description: Loud idiot who kills everything, attacks with lightning bolts, uses 'Bolt 1', 'Bolt 2', 'Bolt 3' incantations, pretty stupid, smells for 0.251 miles, his face is really...


The Major
(image depicts a fat smiling man in glasses and nazi uniform)
residence: ?
occupation: butcher, police officer
d-rating: 6
description: war-loving nazi, made of metal, attacks with guns, has a messenger named Schrodinger, has a blimp, attacks mostly when provoked, enjoys word games and inciting public rage, will talk in circles for hours


Doctor Fuyuhiko Date
(man in lab jacket and glasses, also smiling)
alias: "the Doctor"
residence: ?
occupation: fake doctor at hospital
d-rating: 7
description: says he controls the insane, can float, can grow to large size, has a tank driven by a cat(?), will crush anyone at random, consorts with the Major, seems somewhat intelligent, readily shares information when asked, wants to conquer all of Mayfield


The Joker
(an image of the Joker torn from a comic book and pasted here)
residence: ?
occupation: ?
d-rating: 6
description: interests: Batman, laughing; uses poisonous gas that can make you laugh until you die, delivers laughing gas in mail


Lex Luthor
(angry bald guy in hi-tech battle suit)
residence: 506 Ricardo Street
occupation: ?
d-rating: 2
description: not that dangerous, self-serving egomaniac, liable to attack allies, relies heavily on weapons, hates Superman, scalp may induce blindness under certain lighting conditions


Gilgamesh
(young blond guy with snooty grin and red eyes)
alias: "Hero King of Uruk"
residence: ?
occupation: ?
d-rating: 4
description: massive egomaniac, thinks he is the most powerful person in the universe, ignorant (had never heard of Zemekis), responds poorly to logic, can produce swords from invisible treasury and make them fly at people, attacks mostly when provoked


Despite the freezing temperatures, Slugger is seated on the steps of the front porch wearing his usual clothing with no coat. Balanced on his knees is a bound sketchbook on which he is busily scribbling away.]

Comments

Action

[deaths-heritor.livejournal.com]

[High approval of Lex's entry. Susan takes a quick look through the rest.]

Why is Black Mage rated the most dangerous on your list?

[strike-you-out.livejournal.com]

His attacks are unprovoked and he uses magic.

That and he smells the worst.

[Some children collect baseball cards and memorize the stats of their favorite players. Slugger memorizes the stats of known local murderers.]

[deaths-heritor.livejournal.com]

And a stalk of celery could favorably match wits with him. The stupid ones are easier to... manage, in their own way.

Though I'll concede the smell.

[strike-you-out.livejournal.com]

[He'll bear that in mind.]

Am I missing anyone?

[deaths-heritor.livejournal.com]

Perhaps you'd care to draw one of the hazmats.

[She'll flip a page to see if there's anything else.]

Have you met this 'Joker' in person?

[strike-you-out.livejournal.com]

No. Others told me about him. And he mailed us poisoned gas the other day.

[deaths-heritor.livejournal.com]

[Slow eyebrow raise.]

Should I assume Edward gleefully opened it in hopes of a regain?

[strike-you-out.livejournal.com]

Either him or Luke. Both of them were acting strange and couldn't stop laughing.

[Evidently, there wasn't enough of it to kill them as he discovered later on.]

[deaths-heritor.livejournal.com]

I sincerely hope the word 'can' on the page is used in the sense of 'may possibly' as opposed to 'does'.

[strike-you-out.livejournal.com]

It is. They lived.

[deaths-heritor.livejournal.com]

I suppose a little laughter is good for the heart.

...I've heard of him through the grapevine. And, I suppose, in those ridiculous picture books our dear Edward stars in.

[strike-you-out.livejournal.com]

Me, too.

[While Susan is still holding the book, Slugger turns the page to a man Susan surely recalls. One who calls himself The Doctor.]

Can you tell me more about him?

[deaths-heritor.livejournal.com]

I certainly can.

[...Pause. She's not going for the 'can/may/whatever' pedantry, is she?]

I don't know if I want you writing it all down in that book, though.

[strike-you-out.livejournal.com]

I'll leave out the parts that involve you.

[deaths-heritor.livejournal.com]

Right.

Ask away, then. I don't go in for long, boring stories, so you'll have to request the pertinent points.

[strike-you-out.livejournal.com]

[Without pause to think, Slugger begins questioning.]

Did he try to fight you?

[deaths-heritor.livejournal.com]

That depends on where you're putting the emphasis.

Did he try to fight me; no, he didn't even know I was there. Did he fight me; yes, in a manner of speaking.

[strike-you-out.livejournal.com]

How?

[deaths-heritor.livejournal.com]

There was a good deal of talking involved, as I recall. ...And zombies. Mustn't forget the zombies, given that he was one.

[strike-you-out.livejournal.com]

[That last part is going in the book - "can turn into a zombie". Once added, Slugger looks up waiting for more.]

[deaths-heritor.livejournal.com]

...Do you really need all the sordid details?

Fine. Long, drawn-out tedious story it is.

I had heard nothing about this particular Doctor up until that morning, when I received a phone call from a Miss Pauling asking for help in defending the hospital. I took her to be overreacting - there were zombies everywhere, after all - and largely ignored her.

Then she called again about a grotesque creature leading an army of zombies to raze the hospital for whatever asinine reason.